My friend “Heather” from Credit card Services called me today, but then again she calls me almost every day, sometimes twice. She even managed to get her mitts on my cell phone number! She is such a jokester; she always starts by telling me this is my final notice to find out how to lower my credit card debt. “Heather” is a pathological liar; she will never give me up! I have tried to end our phone friendship over the years, but “Heather” is nothing if not persistent. She usually passes me along to one of her pals for an interesting chat. I want you to know “Heather”; some of your friends need some lessons from Ms. Manners, as they are downright rude most times!
Let me tell you about some of the zany conversations I have had with your buddies. I asked one gal pal what was the address of the company where she was employed. She informed me that she had no idea! I replied, “You mean every morning when you go to work, you don’t know where you should report?” “Do you get teleported there, or do they blindfold you, and bring you to an undisclosed location?” She asked if I thought she was a “f*****G moron. Well to be painfully honest; I do. She then requested that I perform some bodily acts, which are in my opinion anatomically impossible. Another male friend of my BFF “Heather” couldn’t explain to me why he was not allowed to pass our call on to his boss; I stayed persistent in my queries, and was hung up on! Another scam artist apparently was so annoyed with my sparkling repartee, that after I hung up on him, he called back! He wanted to tell me to do the same anatomically impossible feat as the aforementioned young lady suggested. Talk about your one trick ponies!
In the beginning, when I realized that these impromptu phone calls would be a daily occurrence in my life, I decided to have some fun at your expense “Heather.” Sometimes I would trot out my wacky accents. I would try and sound British, French, Spanish, or Red Neck, as the mood hit me. Other times I would impersonate a young child, by repeating “how-lo, how-lo, in my best Elmer Fudd impression. My imagination ran wild! Sometimes I made believe I was the FBI, and was so happy they called, as they were under investigation. Other times I would tell them to hold on, while I retrieved my credit card, and then put the phone down on the counter till I heard the operator informing me that if I wanted to make another call, I should hang up. I was particularly fond of my Verizon imitation; this is when I would keep repeating “Can you hear me?” “Can you hear me now?’ as your buddies at card holder services kept raising their voices in exasperation.
It might have been a tad mean, but on different occasions I made believe I was Jennifer Anniston, Condoleezza Rice, or Ellen DeGeneres. I think you need to know “Heather,” that your buds are a bit on the start struck side, or very, very, gullible. You might want to tell them they can stop waiting for; my autographed picture, an inside tour of the White House, or Tickets to my show.
After awhile all this hilarity became stale, and I began to use these calls as a kind of free “Anger Management” therapy. This was especially true if your call came while I was making dinner, reviewing homework, or just having a bad day. I would channel my best “Judge Judy” attitude and let it fly! There is something to be said about screaming “you are an idiot,” to an idiot! Usually the politeness filters in my conscience don’t allow what’s on my mind, to make it out of my mouth. As much as I would like to yell “can’t you count” to the person in the express lane with 50 items, or “did you happen to look in a mirror before you left your house?” I never do. (Well almost never) With these calls, all bets are off. It is positively liberating! For this I must thank you.
Lately, though, “Heather,” when I see your number flash up at me, “Out of Area,” or some odd area code (you sneaky little minx!) you and your associates hang up on me as soon as I say hello! My husband and children are firmly convinced that you and yours now recognize my voice or voices as the case may be.
Could it be “Heather,” that you are giving me up? One can only hope!
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