It is a gorgeous autumn day, and what do we do? Go to Sam’s club! We finally came to the end of our pallet of soap bars, and it was time to restock. Those 10 years flew by! Now mind you, I don’t actually dislike Sam’s club, I think I like it too much. Something about the atmosphere makes me feel like I am getting the biggest bargains in the world, Hell they’re just giving it away! So this is how we are spending our beautiful Saturday….with Sam.
I am the member of our household that has the Sam’s card, so I always have to accompany the troops on their plundering conquests. I have tried to give the card to my husband, and skip the expedition, but to no avail. I think he is afraid of being mistaken as the person whose mug shot is on the back of the card. My photo gives indisputable proof to what I have always maintained……. I do not photograph well. The only positive thing about that photo was the loud and honest belly laugh I gave the Sam’s employee that took that portrait. She was very kind though, and offered to do a retake. Five retakes and much tear filled hysterical laughter later, I was subject to the law of diminishing returns, the pictures kept getting worse! I can’t tell you the number of times I have won an argument by whipping that card out, and saying, “You think that was bad?” “Look at this!” I always win the sympathy vote. But I digress……
My first hurdle is getting my husband safely past the electronic department. I briskly trot past the TVs, hoping he is with me, but alas it is never so. Just like brave Ulysses, he is lured in by the siren song of even bigger and bigger flat screen televisions. If only I could lash him to my shopping cart! He stands transfixed with mouth hanging open, gazing longingly at pictures so clear, you can actually see one’s five o’clock shadow beginning to sprout. He reverently pauses at each TV, finding the beauty in all things pixel. I lure him away, by telling him about the great deal they are running on Coleman coolers (his other passion). The spell is broken, and we’re off!
Now it is his turn to try and steer me away from the sample carts. I am a sucker for hors d’oeuvres; keep your main course as long as those pastry wrapped hot dogs keep coming! On a Saturday at Sam’s, its’ an absolute appetizer festival! Did you know that truly amazing things are being done with crescent rolls and ranch dressing these days; ditto for canned chicken and olive spread? I morph into one of those cranky old broads that push her way to the front of the line, good manners and general respectability, tossed out the window. Woe to the poor shopper that pushes their cart at a sedate pace in front of me. I am a possessed woman on a mission, and I don’t care how old or infirm you may be, don’t get between me and my ham cube!
At this juncture, my husband usually steers my chariot, now full of useless things I didn’t know I couldn’t live without, and foods destined to live out their lives on a pantry shelf gathering dust, to the aisle with the cleaning products. This jolts me back to reality, immediately! You can’t eat it, wear it, or watch it. Zero entertainment factor. A real buzz kill. We collect ourselves, and strategize how to get to the cashier without being tantalized back into the buying frenzy. “Keep your eyes on the checkout, and don’t look on either side,” We counsel one another. Then we run the gauntlet.
Once safely outside stowing our soap in the trunk, we see other shoppers rolling out their new 1000 inch screen TV and cases of crescent rolls. We congratulate each other on our remarkable restraint, and silently think…we dodged that bullet today, but………..
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