We have all heard of Murphy’s Law, when anything that can go wrong will. I believe it is common knowledge that when we drop a slice of bread it will always fall butter side down, but there are many other universal truths.
One of the constants in my life is picking the wrong line for checkout. There is the lady with a month’s worth of groceries, and one person with two items in the express lane. Who will be checked out first? Why the person I choose NOT to get behind. The shopper in express will invariably have picked the item that will not scan. “Price check.” This entails finding an employee who is free, and sending them to find the item located in an undisclosed spot in the store. It usually plays out like “Where is Waldo.” A glance over at the checkout line not chosen, reveals that half of the purchases from the huge order have been rung up. Once the price has been located, a lively discussion about how that item is on sale, and the price is ringing up incorrectly will ensue. After intense discussions with the manager, who has been called off his coffee break, the situation is remedied. By the way, the shopper in lane two is packed, paid, and heading toward the exit. The express shopper is now experiencing problems with their credit card, does not have check cashing privileges, and has left their wallet in the car. After the wallet has been retrieved, the express shopper will count out the amount due in pennies and nickels. The non-express shopper is already home, and has her purchases unpacked and stowed.
You may think lucky non-express shopper! However another universal truth is about to kick in. The house she left an hour earlier had three teenagers and one husband in residence. When she arrives home with bags easily weighing half a ton, there will be no one home to help bring in the groceries. The missing residents will only reappear after the purchases are put away, and then pillaging will commence.
Another odd occurrence is the phantom tooth ache. This is when your jaw has been aching with a pounding toothache for days. You’ve been consuming Advil like M&Ms, but there is no relief. You finally break down and make an appointment to see your dentist. The instant your front car wheels hit the parking lot at his office, the pain miraculously disappears. Furthermore you can’t even tell him with any certainty, which tooth was giving you trouble. You get a lecture on the importance of flossing, and are sent on your way.
The same thing occurs with haircuts. You have been sporting a hair-do that is really a hair-don’t. Small children flee in terror, and you’ve even frightened yourself in the mirror a time or two. You book an appointment at your hairdresser’s earliest opportunity. That is always at least a week away. In the meantime you lay low and remain in the house, as a public service. The morning of your appointment, you will be greeted in your mirror by a woman sporting the best hair-do you have ever seen. People will toss compliments in your direction about your crowning glory. Jennifer Anniston’s publicist calls to find out where you got that rockin’ style. Just another universal truth.
In this same vein, while sporting your hair-don’t, clothes spotted with splashed coffee, a bumper crop of facial hair, and not a stitch of make-up, you will run into an old beau. He was your first love, and you haven’t seen him in about twenty years. You make small talk, all the while wondering if he is thinking, “thank God I dodged that bullet!” You are tempted to tell him you are involved in a study about basing judgments on appearance, and you are “made up” to look unattractive all for the sake of science.
Some other universal truths are related to clothes. I don’t know why, but stockings will break out in runs and snags proportional to the importance of an event. For instance, if you are going on an interview for the job you have coveted for years, your stockings will spontaneously burst into runs and holes as soon as you reach your appointment. Ditto for weddings, gala events, and any other important occasions. If you try and purchase a quick replacement pair, the store will only carry size zero, which in my humble opinion is even too small for newborns. On the flip side, you could dig ditches with nary a snag if you will not be running into another soul. There is also another clothing oddity known to most women. If you break down and purchase a pair of beautiful silk under drawers, costing at least thirty dollars, you will get your period on their maiden voyage.
Another bothersome truth is the inability to sleep late when you can. All week long that alarm clock rings, and you wish you could just roll back over and snatch another hour or two. Come the weekend with nothing on the agenda, and your eyes fly open, and you couldn’t get back to sleep if your life depended on it. This may in some way be related to that other sleep related occurrence, the smoke detector. For some reason the batteries only run out at four A.M. You will be roused from a deep sleep to the sounds of chirping. Step one is to find out which detector is the culprit. This involves one scurrying from room to room ears cocked to the elusive chirp. Its’ a lot liking playing Marco Polo, only not as much fun. Usually after a number of false starts the bad battery is found, a step stool retrieved and the battery pried out with a butter knife. This wouldn’t be a universal truth, unless you than realize you are out of 9 volt square batteries. You cannibalize one of the kid’s toys, and all is quiet on the bedroom front. It is now 5:30 A.M., and you can’t fall back to sleep until 5 minutes before you need to get up and start your day.
The Holidays bring their own special universal truths. Let’s start out with the annual Christmas card picture. If you have one child, it’s a piece of fruitcake. You take a few shots, and you will find one that is pleasing to all. Two kids and the job gets tougher. After numerous takes, a passable photo can usually be squeezed out. Anymore than that and all bets are off. One or more children will be immortalized that year with a closed eye or a scrunched up face. Another common occurrence this time of year is the Christmas list revision. This will take place at approximately 7P.M. Christmas Eve. You will be informed that the original list submitted earlier in the season is null and void. A new updated list, containing only gifts impossible to find will be replacing the aforementioned document. Tis’ also the season for rampant re-gifting. You try your best not to return to your cousin the candle/potpourri/ coffee mug that she thoughtfully gave you last year. Unfortunately she will remark that the candle/potpourri/mug looks just like the one she gave your sister two years ago. You can only reply “imagine that, more egg-nog?”
With all this being said, I’m off to finish up my holiday preparations. I also know that I will run out of scotch tape when I go to wrap the last present, and be out of eggs when the cookie baking begins. Such is life! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
