My eldest asked to borrow the car to do, what in my opinion
was completely unfathomable. He was
going to one of those Vitamin /Health food emporiums to purchase high protein
and carbohydrate shakes. The desired effect was to put on weight. I know, completely insane!
For maybe the first time in my life I was rendered
speechless. After I picked myself up off the floor, pinched myself, to make
sure this was not a dream, I issued my heartfelt warnings. Never, and I mean never, willingly invite
pounds to come and live on your body!
Had he not noticed the genetic pool, from which he sprung? The majority of his biological family wages
the battle of the bulge daily. Some have
kept the pounds at bay, others are not as successful. There are a few lucky ones, those who manage
to stay thin without even trying, but we know they are mutants.
We must be ever vigilant, keeping our borders closed to
pounds seeking a permanent home. For
once they are aboard they breed faster than the Octo-Mom. They also invite friends. Many friends. Over the years we have issued eviction notices
to these freeloaders, the writ being prepared by the firm of Atkins, J. Craig, &
Weight Watchers, located in South Beach.
They may leave temporarily, but they always return, and never alone!
Usually they begin hopping on board with great stealth. Your clothes still fit, although you may note
that your favorite blue jeans are not quite as roomy after they go through the
dryer cycle. You may also notice that manufacturers are making outfits in your
size a tad smaller. Candid photos appear to follow a reverse side view mirror
warning; things appear larger than they really are. Pictures of your face are
blurry around the bottom of your chin. Then that fateful day arrives; the big
wake up call. You catch an accidental
glimpse of yourself in a store window reflection. D(iet) Day is upon you!
I shared these facts of life with my naïve offspring. He scoffed at my advice, telling me he did
not plan on getting fat. (Yeah, like that was my master plan!) He was planning
on shaping these newly acquired pounds into finely tuned biceps, triceps, and
delts. I tried explaining that it wasn’t
easy keeping those extra pounds corralled where he wanted them to live. These interlopers like to move around. As he
aged, they would act like snowbirds, and migrate to more southerly areas.
What’s a parent to do? I tried to lead that horse to the
water of enlightenment, but he wanted to drink the carbo-shake instead. I can only
pray he doesn’t get like that dunderhead on the Planet Fitness commercial, “I
pick things up, and put them down.” Although that saying might be the answer to my
diet plan…….pick it up, and then PUT IT DOWN!
