THE MATURE CAR BUYER, OR HOW DO I WORK THIS THING?

We bought a new car yesterday. My old van was eight years old, or 85 in car years. Little things were beginning to go awry, and it was only a matter of time before it needed a new transmission, or major organ transplant in auto speak. My dearly beloved asked if I was ready to leave my van days in the rearview mirror, and downsize to something smaller. Unless I was willing to strap a boy or two to the roof like a deer, that wouldn’t work with the current car pool situation. Another van was in my immediate future. I figure this will be the last van I own, as when the next eight years pass, we will be empty nesters. Although on second thought, the van is perfect for transporting coolers to Giant tailgate parties, moving kids to and from college, and fitting three couples comfortably for a night out on the town. Our options will be up for review when that time rolls around.

So I have a new car, and I don’t know how to work it. There are more bells and whistles then a bird call competition at a doorbell factory. No, we didn’t want all the fancy shamancy features, they came standard! They had to give my husband and me an hour tutorial on how to operate the vehicle. That is longer than I studied for my driving test way back when.

My first car was a used 1968 VW Bug. Standard 4 on the floor. No power brakes. No power steering. You went to a mechanic and had the heat turned on in the winter, and turned off in the summer. Your “air conditioning” consisted of cranking open the window. The defroster was the manual kind; you wiped the condensation off the windshield with your hand. The entertainment system was a staticky am radio, a wire hangar antennae and an FM converter that your boyfriend hooked up. If you were really living high on the hog, you also had an eight track installed! The price tag for this beautiful machine cost the same as one month’s worth of gas for my current van. My bug was dependable and sported ease of operation. Repairs were dirt cheap, and it would probably still be tooling along, if it wasn’t wiped out by another car ramming into its back end, as it sat there legally parked!

My “new” car cost more than my parents paid for their home. The home by the way, where they raised 6 children, various goldfish and hamsters.

I went driving in the new van today, and I felt like Captain Kirk, on the bridge. Everything is voice activated. Although I must admit to a snafu or 3 when setting voice commands for hands free dialing. When you are asked to say the person’s name, it should not be preceded by, “Is this on?” “Call Dad.” Now to call my husband I must say, after depressing button 3 on the steering wheel “Is this on, call Dad” in order to be connected. Eventually I will figure out how to delete and reenter, but that task is for another day. (Probably the day before I turn the car in, eight years from now)

The van is also equipped with cameras that activate when you make a right hand turn, or back up. The picture quality is super clear, so fine in fact, I would like to have my kids stand beside the car when I am making a right hand turn, and make it into my Christmas card. I can never seem to achieve that quality and clarity with the camera I spent a fortune on. There is probably a way to do that, but I think it requires a master’s degree in automotive proficiency, and I can barely get through remedial auto.

There is also “keyless” entry. If I have the remote fob in my pocket, the car senses it, and automatically unlocks. Once inside, I push a button, and the car starts. I am sure my insides are being fried as “remote” rays are shooting back and forth between my pocket, and the starship enterprise. Sadly I didn’t know how to open the doors (which lock automatically, once you hit 10 miles an hour) and was therefore forced to refer to the manual (weighing in at five pounds) in order to exit my luxury prison. Forget opening the side doors, or the back hatch! Those kids can just clamber over the front seat and get out my door, till I have the time to review volume 5 of the manual, subtitled escape from van-catraz.

Now let’s be totally honest, if you switch lanes, on a road, and there is not another car for miles, do you use your turn indicator lights? My new ride thinks that is a no brainer. Of course you do! If you don’t, a strident dinging begins, as lights on the dash begin to flicker rapidly. “Captain, you must institute a course correction at once!” It is like driving with the instructor from Driver’s Ed. Plus it scares me when things light up on my dash. In my experience it never boded well, and was always expensive.

As if this wasn’t enough, this van sports an electric outlet! That’s right; you can bring your toaster, plug her in and make some toast on your commute. What about the butter, you may ask? There is also a cooler built in! Something tells me that this was the feature that reeled my husband in, as he needs drinks (oh stop! Soda or water!) if the trip is more than twenty minutes in duration. Call me crazy, but a little igloo cooler, and some blue packs, always did the trick for me!

The feature I am digging the most; the sirus fm radio! For the last eight years I had the world’s worst radio. For the last eight years I would always forget to bring CDs for the ride, and was forced to change stations every ten miles, as signals faded in and out. Why not use this time to have scintillating conversation with your offspring, you may ask. I have teenagers…question asked and answered, thank you very much. Now I have music! I did learn that programming fairly rapidly, as I preset 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and a multitude of serious vinyl music! My husband sounded like Horshack from Welcome back, when he saw a station devoted to “The Grateful Dead.” Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, look, the Dead.” We are happy campers! Our children, not so much. You see, we know all the words to these songs, and we sing along at the top of our lungs! (We have been advised by the local music critics to hold on to our day jobs) Life is good!

Tonight I plan to review the instructions for temperature control. Not a top priority, in light of my humble VW beginnings, where temperature control was just something we read about. I figure if I get stuck, and can’t figure out, how to escape, I can always kick back, have a little toast, some cool beverages, great tunes, and “is this on, call dad” to come to my rescue!