Dating in the Age of the Gray Panther

First off, I’m still happily married. I’m not on the market. However, after having discussions with a number of long term married females, we all had remarkably similar thoughts on what we would want in a companion if we were forced back into the dating scene.

So, for any of you older gentlemen entering the fray here is what we would look for:

1.      None of us would ever get married again, so if you are commitment phobic, have no fear. We’ve been there done that, we came, saw, and as much as we enjoyed it, once was enough.

2.      Would rather you have had a 30+ year marriage under your belt. This way we know you have been house broken by your earlier mate. i.e., put the seat down, take the trash out, and most importantly, take the side of the bed closest to the door, in case an intruder breaks in.

3.      Be aware that our children and grandchildren will always come first. Its Non-negotiable. We are allowed to complain about them; you however are not.

4.      We are NOT gold diggers. We have our own money, and we will be holding on to it. We have no problem paying our own way and our kids will be ferociously guarding their future inheritance. Refer to bullet point above. That is unless of course, we receive all the money, that Nigerian Prince is sending.

5.      Own your own car. Preferably a comfortable sedan. Sure, a corvette, triumph or other sports vehicles were chick magnets back in the day. Now we want a car that we can easily enter and exit, without needing to fold oneself in, and the jaws of life to escape. You must also have a valid driver’s license and be fully insured. Bonus points if you know how to drive stick and know how to use jumper cables. Remember, we have moved from passenger princess to Passenger Queen.

6.      Personal hygiene is extremely high on our list. Daily showers, deodorant, mouth wash, and CLEAN clothes. You might not realize, without your spouse, that you’ve been wearing that shirt for three days in a row, and we can still see the ketchup stain.

7.      Appearance. A gentleman’s height is not a consideration, as we will probably be sitting 98% of the time. Weight, well many of us have gotten a little thick around the middle so a solidly built gent is ok. However, if you need to purchase two tickets to fly on Spirit, you might want to re-up that gym membership first. Facial Handsomeness? Have no fear, all of us have failing eyesight.

8.      Age range. Remember where you were when JFK was shot and watched the Beatles Sunday nights on Ed Sullivan. Before your time? Too young. Was out of school by then? too old.

9.      Enjoy a lovely home cooked meal. Only not at my house.

10. Which brings us here, must have your own residence. We are not in the market for a roommate. No worries about type of residence, or if you rent, or own It can be a house, apartment, condominium, or tent. Just not our place. Nor, and especially not, your parent’s basement.

11. Hair, or lack thereof, no worries. Most of our long-term male friends have male pattern baldness, receding hairline, or bald as a cueball. Its’s what we gals are used to and comfortable with. Facial hair, if its neatly trimmed, is fine. We keep our beards and staches under control, so we expect the same of you. Nose and ear hair, not so much. Seeing your missing locks growing out of your nose and/or ears does not a pretty picture make.

12. Enjoy a cocktail or two. Not adverse to hitting the Senior blue plate special for dinner. It starts at 5pm after 3pm happy hour and comes with a complimentary glass of Chablis. Home in time for Jeopardy! (We still miss Alex Trebek)

13. We all have various health issues. Many of us have removed or replaced bits and pieces. These things are not deal breakers. However, if you are in the market for a nursemaid, you’re shopping in the wrong aisle. You can find those ladies in the younger section. But be warned a much higher net worth will be expected. Be careful if you’re packing a portable oxygen tank as we do love our Yankee Candles. Would hate to see us blown to smithereens.

14. C-Paps machines for sleep apnea are fine. In fact, more than fine. The sound is like our white noise. We need it to fall asleep. It is the same nostalgic feeling we experience when we get a whiff of Ben Gay.

15. Retired

16. Our taste in Music runs to 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. The good stuff. Everyone has their own taste, but you would be hard pressed to find a Hip-Hop or Rap aficionados, in this particular age pool.

17. Should be conversant in many physical tricks, such as the Heimlich Maneuver and CPR. Trust us, we already know how to perform these acts, and we do them well.

18. Geographically desirable. Over 75 miles away, see you later bud. We are not spending our golden years commuting.

19. We like to have plans mapped out in advance. Once our Bras come off, we are in for the night. It is best to let us know early in the day the plans for that evening.

20. Lastly, every red-blooded female wants a tough red-blooded man in her in bedroom, to kill that damn spider that has been stalking her.

LBI Resue

I walk 5 days a week. Today for some reason, I decided to make a 6-walk week. Shortly after I started, I saw a little baby squirrel, apparently his mom decided to cross the road. She didn’t make it. Her poor little baby was hanging by her and was in danger of becoming roadkill himself. I picked him up and placed him at the base of a tree where you could see a squirrel’s nest. Now if you’re thinking “is she crazy?” “Picking up wild animals!” I want you to know I raised 3 boys, nothing scares me. This poor baby crawled up my arm, headed for my head. I’ve been told my hair resembles a Rat nest. It looks more like a squirrel’s nest. He curled up under my chin, shielded from the elements by my double chin, safe and warm. I really had no idea what to do, as the only animals we had were pet rocks. I took him to the police station, who gave me a box, and called animal control. However, they told me he would be euthanized. Not acceptable. I found a rescue center about 40 minutes away, and we were off. I am at the time of my life, where I’m running a little short on the kindness acts needed to get into heaven, so this rescue was self-serving. He whimpered when I put him in the box, but the thought of him free roaming my car was not appealing. As we started on our journey, I stopped for a light. Something was moving inside my shirt. Baby gave me a parting gift. I had fleas in my sports bra. I begin franticly pulling things out, up and under. The poor driver stopped next to my car and got an eyeful he will never forget! My rescue squirrel is now at a wildlife preserve, where he'll spend his life. I on the other hand am going to Pet Co, to see if they carry flea and tick collars for a woman (or should I say a Saint, like Francis of Assi) of my size. My clothes and body are currently being scalded to be safe. Just for fun I looked up rabies symptoms, irritability is a major sign. I think I’ve been suffering from rabies for decades now.

Failure to Launch

Failure to Launch Years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, all we required was a beach towel, Bain De Soleil, and maybe a boom box for a day at the beach. As time went on, we started using sand chairs, they sat 4 inches above the sand, and fully reclined. We would upgrade as years went on, instead of the standard model, we opted for additional features, chair with cup holders, side pockets, and the anti-sunroof or sun shade. We had our Walkman’s and a large bottle of No-Ad lotion. This year, my 50th year of using this type of chair, I have been forced to abandon it. We started to suffer from “failure to launch” syndrome. Sitting down on our chair was easy,although gravity aided in a quick desent.After a lovely afternoon at the beach, it was time to go. The first step is getting up. Easier said than done. My husband’s method calls for one to grasp the arms and pop right up. After a number of aborted launches he achieved lift off. My way, was to scootch to the edge of the chair, and fling myself forward into child pose, from there I executed a slow motion downward dog. Success we were standing. We needed a minute or two, to reorient ourselves as to time and space, as we had just finished a very taxing workout. When our heartbeats returned to normal, we realized our days of using sand chairs had come to an end. We brought our new Hi-Rise chairs, that are the same height of those old lawn chairs or waffle thighs seats that we used to scoff at. They also come with cup holders for our Stanley cups and side bags to store our ear pods and SPF 100. Don’t even get me started on Adirondack Chairs.