Dear Mr. Groundhog,
I wanted to drop you a brief message, before your big day this Wednesday February 2nd. If memory serves me, you are due to pop your nose out of your burrow, and let us know if we have 6 more weeks of winter. Well that is if your burrow has not been plowed over with 10 feet of snow, like most of the driveways in our neck of the woods. Furthermore, I am hoping you still have a mailbox, as the mailbox fatalities caused by snowplows this season have been very high indeed.
Please Mr. Groundhog, (or Phil, if I may), I know I am speaking not only for myself here, don’t predict six more weeks of this! We have had enough! No mas! No mas! We have suffered through enough snow-maggedon to last a lifetime. My laundry room has been draped with soggy snow pants, parkas, and gloves, for months now. The smelly old damp boots are stinking up the joint. My car looks like a Jackson Pollock painting, festooned with mud and salt. I can’t afford to bring it to the car wash anymore, as I was spending more money there then on my home mortgage!
I am tired of the frenzied mob of shoppers crowding the bread and milk aisle, whenever another foot or two of the white stuff is on its way. (The liquor store usually has a line winding around it’s parking lot, or should I say rink!) I am having a nervous breakdown every time I drive my car, and it pirouettes down the road. My nose is running like a faucet, and my throat has been sore since November. I am finished with the rescheduling of the sports games, practices, CCD classes and birthday parties. I have had enough snowy, pristine winter scenes for this year. The next snow I want to see is the one on the cover of next year’s Christmas card.
I guess most important is the school issue. First off, the local school board takes great delight in waiting till 4 am to let you know they will be closed. As most parents know, it is then virtually impossible to fall back to sleep. If you are lucky enough to go back to the land of nod, you will be awakened again at 6 am by your hyper offspring wanting to know if school is closed! Children were not meant to stay home with their parents for days on end. Oh sure the first time or two, with me whipping up a batch of hot chocolate was heartwarming. But I gotta tell you Phil, the bloom is definitely off that rose. All my kids are learning these days, is that they have a crazy lady as their mother! I believe cabin fever is a real and woefully misunderstood affliction.
So Phil, if you know what’s’ good for you, I strongly suggest you predict a quick end to winter 2010/2011. I don’t believe in vigilante groups. However I feel you should be warned. If you predict six more weeks of this, you might want to consider entering a witness protection program. I am not a violent person, but even I may be compelled to wring your little rodent neck.
Thank you for taking time to consider my request. I am looking forward to your anticipated cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
Frazzled Mother
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