I grew up in an Irish household. Both of my parents were born and raised in Ireland. There is an e-mail that makes the rounds every St. Patrick’s day, which purports to tell what it means to be in an Irish family. Some of the facts are correct, but some need further clarification. As one who speaks from firsthand experience, I shall take it upon myself to set the record straight.
1) You will never play professional basketball. They called them the “Boston Celtics “enough said.
2) You swear very well. But NEVER in front of your mother, grandmother, or the nuns.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner, or holds political office. You have at least one Aunt who is a nun or uncle who is a priest. You have at least one relative that is none of the above, and the family wonders where they went wrong.
4) You think you sing well. Sad, but true. As a race we are genetically unable to refrain from joining in on “Oh Danny Boy.”
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short. There are always extenuating circumstances that need to be properly explained, so one will get the proper gist of the story. Why use 3 or 4 words, when there are thousands at your disposal?
6) There isn’t a big difference between your losing your temper and killing someone. Completely false! We never lose our temper; we enjoy, and cherish them.
7) Many of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin. Semi true, half of our dinners were boiled, the other half were fried in bacon grease, the Irish version of olive oil. Instant mashed potatoes are to the Irish, as jarred sauce is to the Italians……a big no-no.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling. You have, however hit it on the floor. Beer and gravity; a deadly combination.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer. More likely your parents spent a good portion of your childhood, kneeling in prayer.
10) You’re strangely poetic after a few beers. Strange being the operative word.
11) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations. You are also busy setting up legacies for future generations.
12) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are names Mary, Catherine or Eileen. There is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen. No argument here. Let’s not forget the preponderance of Patricks, Jackies, and Mickeys!
13) Someone in your family is very generous; it is more than likely you. And someone in your family is very miserly; it is more than likely them.
14) You may not know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing. See reason number 4.
15) You can’t wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking. Especially if that other guy is Irish! You’ll never get a break in the conversation if he thinks he has a captive audience.
16) You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are…but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency. Hey, eventually you hit a home run, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
17) There wasn’t a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party. Totally false! We don’t wear black suits or pantyhose to our keggers.
18) You are, or know someone named Murph. And they are lovely people.
19) If you don’t know Murph, then you know Mac. If you don’t know Murph or Mac, you must know Sully. You are also closely related to all three families on your mother’s cousin’s husband side.
20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret. And your love of secrets is matched only by your love of gossip.
21) You have Irish Alzheimer’s...…you forget everything but the grudges! This is not limited to your own grudges, but also those of your extended family and friends. We are nothing if not loyal.
22) “Irish Stew” is a euphemism for “boiled leftovers.” A meal served to and detested by generations of Irish children.
23) Your skin’s ability to tan….not so much. Our skin’s ability to burn, peel, and burn again, exemplary.
24) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included some form of whiskey. As we age we find that whiskey is a remedy for many common ailments of the body and soul. It’s not just for colds anymore.
25) There’s no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes. Who leaves a family party? It’s your cousin Mac the cop’s job to end the festivities.
26) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other. Not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to one another. They are obviously a very close family; the number in our family is closer to ten or fifteen. There is an old saying……..if the world was destroyed, save for three Irish people, you can rest assured two of them would be talking about the other one.
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour
before the devil knows you're dead.
HAPPY ST.PATRICKS DAY
Great post! Slainte.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I'll never concede that you'll out talk me or out think me but yea, you can out write me and for that pleasure, I'll raise my glass always to your future memory.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of heaven:
As I told Denise when she died twice on St. Patty's day - "The ancestors tried their best to take you TODAY OF ALL DAYS but it seems they forgot that I'm Irish too, and just as wily as they are." So, after saying goodbye for 45 minutes, I went home, poured a glass of Irish Whisky, chased it down with McSorleys and capped it off with a Xanax. Irish alzheimer soon set upon me and the disagreeable memories of the day were mercifully blotted but for a short duration, say until 3:30am, when the mindlights blazed once again, and off I trotted to the hospital.