GYM Part TWO

Perhaps you remember a year or so ago, I wrote about rejoining the gym. I have

stayed the course (although you could not tell from looking at me!).  I have

settled into a daily pattern.  The alarm goes off, I get a pain in the pit of my stomach,

And just like the Dunkin Donuts baker…..its time to hit the gym, its time to hit

the gym. I would like to dispel a number of rumors circulating about “working out”.

NO! it does not become a habit, No! you don’t miss it if you skip a day or four,

NO! it does not give you more energy. Maybe it increases your metabolism, but that is

only to burn up the extra calories you are consuming, because exercise makes you

very, very hungry! Yes! It prolongs your life, but that is attributable to the fact that every second spent exercising feels never ending. Ever notice how the clock never moves in an

aerobic class? I believe it’s the QUALITY of the longevity that needs discussion.

The first problem I usually encounter at the gym, is finding a parking space. I sometimes

have to drive around that parking lot a good 15 minutes before one of the legal spots

next to the handicapped parking opens up! I then need to scurry in to get “my spot” at

the back of the room. I operated under the false illusion, that the instructor couldn’t really see me back there.  That myth has been laid to rest. I have become the poster girl for

“Take it at your own pace and modify the moves to what you are able to do.” “Look at

Marion, she is modifying the move, and lowering the repetitions.” I just don’t have the heart to tell these gym newbies that I have been coming here for years now, and this is as good as its’ gonna get!

I tried a yoga class for a change of pace.  There is a series of positions that you need

to learn in this class, like “child pose”, “cobra”, and ‘downward dog”.  I don’t know

about you, but “child pose” means somebody with their hand out, “cobra” is the position

taken if my stash of milky ways are threatened, and my “downward dog”, is more

recognizable as “dead dog”, call animal control. Spin has a devoted following. Some

spinners rave about what a great time they have. They love cycling away on a stationary bike, accompanied by inspiring music.  I tried it.  Until they come up with downhill spinning, with “A Bicycle Built for Two” on the sound track, I’m going to pass.

I always seem to head on back to my old stand by, the tread mill. Some people like to run

on the treadmill, cranking up the speed and incline. Others prefer a brisk walk. Personally

I employ what is known as a meander, or gentle stroll. I still go for two miles, it just takes an entire morning. I can then say with all honesty, “I spent hours at the gym today!”

 I have had religious experiences on this piece of equipment.  One morning the thing started smoking! I immediately recalled that God appeared to Moses in the guise of a burning bush. I think he was appearing to me on the smoking tread mill.  He was saying “You can stop now, you’ve done enough for today.” “ Furthermore, you were made in my image, my child.”  I now know that God is pudgy woman, with frizzy hair, and a bad candy habit. Every time there is a power outage and my tread mill stops, I know it is him sending me a sign that I have worked out enough for that day.

I am looking forward to seeing all of my old friends at the beach, and I’ll be there as soon

as I finish at the gym around noon. Unless there is a brown out!