GYM TIME

I joined a gym last summer.  After much research, I discovered that laying

on the beach, reading pulp fiction, and salivating like Pavlov’s dog  whenever the

ice cream truck made an appearance, was not the road to the svelte shape I was

hankering for.  So I bit the bullet, plunked down my cash, donned my stretchy shorts

and headed off.

I have come to the realization that a lot has changed since Jane Fonda, leg warmers,

And simple sit ups were de rigueur. We are now offered a plethora of options. “We

offer Pilates, Yoga, low impact, high impact, and step,” I was told.  Additionally

The gym had strength training, circuit, and bosu sculpting. Not to be forgotten are

the spin classes, kickboxing, treadmills, and free weights! My, oh my what should I try

first?  I figured with all of these new advances there must be some type of exercise I

would like, or not actively despise.

Bosu sculpting seemed interesting.  Of course I had never heard of Bosu, but I

was hoping it was some kind of acupuncture-y thing, were you lay quietly in a darkened room, a Bosu was applied, and the muscles began to self improve.  Let me tell you about

Bosu…it isn’t pretty.  First off its’ named for a piece of equipment, a large sawed in half

gym ball. It resembles a huge contact lens.  The instructors expect you to balance on

this contraption, while doing squats with 10 pound weights.  Personally it goes against

my religion to handle any weights over 3 pounds, let alone while standing on top of a unstable, rubbery surface.  The next exercise on the Bosu was to focus on the thighs.  I was instructed to kneel on this apparatus and do back leg lifts.  I looked like those cartoons of elephants balancing on balls at the circus.  All that was missing was my little Shriner’s cap.  Obviously, Bosu and me, not perfect together.

“Lets’ give step class a whirl!” I had heard of step, and since I have been walking up and

down steps (if there is no elevator) for years, I figured I knew the moves.  Wrong!  Apparently this class was designed for the “think you can dance?” set.  There was an entire choreography involved. Step up basic, v-step, lunge, and tap, kick, step.  I was

never a dancer, and some things will never change, so on to….

Pilates! In the first class the participants used a large circle, that was placed between their

thighs. The instruction was to bring your knees together (think thigh master), hold and release.  Sounds simple enough.  They don’t tell you that the circle is made of stainless

steel rebar, and therefore will not budge.  Oh there were some gym rats (envy speak for those super toned ladies) who did not find it difficult.  They can also crack walnuts between their thighs. I, being the proud owner of a nut cracker, do not have a need for

thighs quite that strong!  They also attempted another move called the “plank.” Lets

just say my plank had wood rot, been declared a disaster area and abandoned. 

Well darn it, I can walk! Off to the treadmills!  This was not too bad.  Not only was I

satisfied with my form, I was sweating profusely, and my pulse was at 75%.  I really

don’t know what that means, but I am told its’ very cardio.  Visions of marathons danced

in my head as I clutched the handles tightly, and punched that speed up to 1.5 miles per

hour!

Everthing was going great guns until a friend (former) hopped on the machine next to me.

She set the incline to its’ max, ramped the speed up to 8.5 miles an hour, and took off.

This is akin to running up the side of a building” Who is she? Spiderwomen?  To add

insult to injury, she wanted to chat! Between my huffs and puffs, I was able to croak

“send help!”